From Fox News:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
New York, NY
It’s been confirmed by Iowa election officials that Marco Rubio has indeed come in third in the IA caucuses. After weeks of a massive, unprecedented surge, he has gone all the way from 3rd in the polls to 3rd in votes!
While everyone counted him out (except for everyone), he has shattered the previous record for total amount of votes for a 3rd place finisher.
A spokesman for the Rubio camp told Fox News that they are thrilled with their predicted 3rd place finish, and that finishing third (behind Donald Trump and some other dude) puts them in the driver’s seat going forward, and that Fox News’ Bill Sammons is measuring White House windows for drapes as soon as tomorrow.
This historic 3rd place finish clearly indicates that Rubio is the only person who can win against Hillary and coalesce Republicans behind his candidacy a’ la McCain and Romney. Unlikely remaining obstacles could include placing better than third in any poll of any state, and leading Donald Trump and some other dude in any poll in any other state.
Fox News reports that, upon hearing the news of Rubio’s historic 3rd place victory, Brit Hume tripped over his soon-to-be-emptied champagne bottle and fell even more deeply…..in love with Rubio.
Finally, Fox News reports that they can gleefully confirm that Marco Rubio has indeed exceeded all credulous expectations of a third place finish and has over performed in a historic and stunning 3rd place finish!
Finishing ahead of Marco Rubio were……….FLASH*** MARCO RUBIO FINISHES 3rd!!!! Victory speech to be the stuff GOPe dreams are made of!
In other news, Fox News reports the campaign of Donald Trump (remember him?) is finished after he placed a distant second to Rubio’s 3rd place victory!
(UPDATED) 11:15 PM 1/2/16:
Some dude took WAAAAAYYYY too long in his concession speech after a gravely disappointing, mortally wounding and very distant 1st place disaster, badly underperforming all expectation of a second place finish, garnering a disappointing historic record for most votes ever received in a GOP Iowa caucus. Postmortem on the Other Dude candidacy on The Five tomorrow and continued throughout the evening at our sister Rubio Way Media partner, the Washington Examiner.
(Tune into Fox News for continuing coverage of Marco Rubio’s stunning 3rd place historic victory and other news. If there is any).
In other news, from the Washington Post, we learn that “Marcomentum” is indeed real. In Virginia, that means that former Republican Jim Rich (R-Fauquier Machine) and Davis Rennolds (R-McGuireWoods), among others, have climbed on board with the most exciting middle tier *winner* in Iowa caucus history. Mike Thomas will announce his endorsement at a later date, and will be joined by Boyd Marcus, Bill Bolling, and Lord Voldemort.