In keeping with our annual custom, we offer predictions of events which could (and probably should) take place in the coming year. As a concession to our more sensitive readers, we have arranged for provision of stress-mitigation counseling, safe spaces, therapeutic fanning, and fainting couches for “girly men” and others of like disposition.
Incoming! A riot breaks out in the Republican-controlled U. S. Senate when protestors launch a vegetable-throwing assault from the gallery of the chamber. Senators dive under desks as the vegan-activists hurl tomatoes, cabbages, Brussel sprouts, squash, and several pumpkins onto the Senate floor. “You’re destroying the planet with all your steenking animals,” shouts one, as he is being evicted by Capitol Police officers. A subsequent investigation reveals that a Senate usher sympathetic with the vegan cause had allowed the produce-laden protestors access to the gallery.
Head ’em up! Move ’em out! Western cattle-ranchers drive 4 million cows across the Canadian border into Alberta after several western states levy a $10-a-month flatulation-tax on each head of beef, citing climate-change concerns. “My state hasn’t levied the tax yet,” said one rancher, “But this thing might spread. Better to act now than sit around waiting for the climate-axe to fall…” Several state senators, a governor, and 57 state cops are injured when they try to stop the border-crossing by throwing themselves in front of the herd. A hastily constructed barricade is knocked to splinters in the confrontation, and a female state-delegate is inconsolable when she finds her $5,000 Etro outfit irreparably soiled by cow-dung.
Where is Robert E. Lee (when you really need him)? After submitting petitions containing over 10 million signatures in support of secession, California voters pass a public initiative by a margin of 68% to 32%, declaring their state an independent country. But the secession-move is abruptly abandoned after only 28 men sign up for service in the newly formed California National Army. “Shining boots every night? Picking up marijuana butts from the parade grounds? Shooting real guns with real bullets? Dude! Are you kidding me?” says one outraged stoner to a CNN reporter. A selective service law that would have drafted both men and women is unanimously defeated in the California Legislature.
Real Estate Caesar. Agents of the Federal Real Estate Commission discover that former Vice-president Al Gore – now a Global Warming huckster extraordinaire – has been using the threat of Climate Change to scare owners of ocean-front properties into selling cheap, before the oceans rise and render their holdings worthless. His climate-scam has turned him into a billionaire real-estate mogul, but a $10 billion class-action lawsuit filed against him by attorneys representing thousands of those property owners puts Boss Gore’s financial future in doubt.
“No acts of vengeance…” FBI agents working undercover find that Adam Schiff has been a Mafia Don during most of his service in the House of Representatives. As agents march him out of the House chamber in irons, Mr. Schiff rasps: “It’s a lie! The FBI is corrupt! I’ll show you! We’re going to investigate all of you. What have I ever done to make you disrespect me?”
Her Holiness. The Holy See reveals that Hillary Clinton has been conducting a secret campaign to become the first female pope. Reportedly she has been attempting to enlist the support of Catholic females for her move by promising to ordain women as priests and cardinals after her elevation. Those reports are closely followed by Vatican charges that Mrs. Clinton has threatened to set up a new all-female, earth-mother religion if she is not installed as head of the Church within five years.
Rising Star. Teenaged climate-sensation Greta Thunberg is barred from becoming Prime Minister of Sweden because she does not meet the country’s constitutionally mandated age requirement. In response she threatens a lawsuit to have the discriminatory age-limit overturned. To prevent a constitutional crisis, King Carl XVI Gustav appoints her as Sweden’s envoy to the United Nations. An unnamed aide to Prime Minister Stefan Löfven observes: “She’ll fit right in. All they do there is talk. She’ll wear them out.”
Heading for the tall grass… Several thousand Democrat millionaires – including eleven 2020 Democrat presidential candidates – change their party allegiance in mid-year, after DNC Chair Tom Perez announces a new Party-rule requiring that they pay an annual 10% wealth-tax to the DNC. “We’ve got to lead by example,” says Mr. Perez, by way of affirming Democrat presidential candidates’ advocacy of a national wealth-tax to fund expensive new programs. Most of the Democrat millionaires flee to Canada, England and the Bahamas. “Enough is enough,” says one of them, on condition of anonymity.
Impeachment, Round II. In mid-year, the House Judiciary Committee reconvenes and lays another article of impeachment on Donald Trump, after investigators reveal that both he and his children matriculated during their teen years. “My god, not the children, too,” says the outraged chair-woman of the National Child Welfare Coalition. “We simply can’t have that kind of family in the White House.” But the new article is not approved by the full House after reporters find that every sitting representative is guilty of the same crime.
Trading Down. Billionaire Democrat Michael Bloomberg attempts to boost his presidential campaign by crashing the stock market – hoping that voters will accept Democrats’ claim that Donald Trump’s economy was an illusion. During a slight market-downturn in mid-October, Mr. Bloomberg launches a massive short-sell1 effort – selling upwards of $30 billion in shares which he doesn’t yet own, in the hope that prices will drop precipitously and spook smaller investors into selling out and crashing the market. At first the tactic appears successful. The Dow Jones average drops 10,000 points during a week of wild panic-selling and proclamations of financial doom by Democrat-aligned media. But then the investment-climate changes abruptly, as millions of small investors seize the opportunity to reinvest by buying low. In a single day of frantic buying, the Dow average zooms up 12,000 points – reversing its earlier slide and catching Mr. Bloomberg off guard. As exchange-calls are presented he finds himself down by $50 billion and temporarily unable to meet his obligations. In the resulting uproar, Mr. Bloomberg “suspends” his presidential campaign. Ultimately he quits the presidential race entirely and cannot be reached for comment.
Routed! A massive Republican win in the November elections re-elects Donald Trump, and costs Democrats the loss of their majority in the House and an expanded Republican majority in the Senate. In reaction, lame-duck House Democrats declare the election “null and void” and proclaim Speaker Pelosi the rightful president. As the new Congress is being seated, the Sergeant at Arms and two assistants drag a straitjacket-clad Ms. Pelosi out of the chamber, as she continues to shout: “I’ll be queen! I’ll be queen!”
Biker Babe. Bedecked in leather micro-skirt and sporting gigantic hair, Representative Alexandria Ocassio-Cortez leads a phalanx of bikers riding biofuel-powered cycles onto the grounds of the U. S. Capitol, in an attempt to force their way into the halls of Congress. When Capitol Police stop the invasion, a melee erupts in which forty-seven bikers, including Ms. AOC, are arrested and detained. Soon afterward, she is released, uncharged. In a public statement the chief of Capitol Police explains that the congresswoman would not stop talking, and they simply couldn’t stand it. “She was driving us nuts,” said the chief.
Happy New Year to all of my readers. Enjoy the drama of these interesting days. “You ain’t seen nuthin’ yet…”
- “Selling short” is an investment tactic sometimes used by large investors who expect a particular stock to drop in value when they initiate large-scale sales of shares which they do not actually hold. The tactic involves selling phantom shares at a high price, in anticipation of picking up, at a much lower price, the shares needed to complete those sales. The difference between the price gained in the sale, and the price paid to obtain the actual shares, is the short-seller’s profit. But if the stock involved does not drop in price as expected, the short-seller takes a loss.