My readers know that it’s my custom to post predictions at year-end, which could (or should, in a just world) occur in the coming year. But the current political and economic situation compels me to post a mid-year edition of predictions which seem almost certain to occur during the balance of the year. As usual, fainting couches and hand-fans are provided for readers of all 56 genders whose constitutions are too delicate for these raucous lines
War Wagon Campaign. Having tunneled his way out of his basement, Joe Biden sets off across the country in an armored travel bus to campaign for the presidency. To avoid the “Trump virus” (as he calls it), Joe remains inside his War Wagon at all times, including at campaign stops where he appears at one of the windows and speaks through loudspeakers mounted atop the vehicle. He urges citizens to “get out there and fight” to restore the country to the great status it enjoyed when he was Barack O’s VP. At some stops, so much fruit is thrown at the War Wagon that campaign assistants harvest it to augment the campaign’s larder. (A 155 mm howitzer turret mounted atop the War Wagon is later found to be made of papier-mâché.)
Wonder Woman. After reviewing at least 40 possible candidates, Joe Biden and his campaign staff select former Wonder Woman actress Lynda Carter as his vice-presidential running-mate. Advisors believe her role as a strong, heroic woman will draw the support of women, while the actress’s still-impressive beauty will be very attractive to men. But Ms. Carter is dropped from the ticket in mid-September because she insists on greeting crowds of spectators in person, while wearing her original Wonder Woman costume. “With her out there working the crowd, nobody heard a word Joe was saying,” admits one rueful advisor. “At 68, she’s still a babe.” An unnamed official adds: “She was also very smart. She wouldn’t ride in the War Wagon with Joe, and she arranged her own overnight accommodations.” After she leaves the Biden campaign, Fox Studios offer her the role of Xena in a planned remake of The Warrior Princess series. “Too bad to lose her,” says Mr. Biden in a private remark. “She has terrific…hair.”
“Light she was, and like a feather…” Several weeks after calling Mr. Trump “morbidly obese,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi collapses dramatically on the House floor. Anonymous sources report that Mrs. Pelosi had gained 65 pounds by bingeing on ice cream from her much-publicized designer-brand stash. She was wearing a tight-fitting corset to disguise the weight-gain, but the constriction finally became too much, causing her to swoon. (An eyewitness reports that EMTs used a warehouse forklift to take the speaker to a waiting ambulance.) Mrs. Pelosi makes later public appearances wearing a size-30 Hawaiian muu-muu. She tells reporters she’s honoring Hawaiian independence month, but she ignores shouted requests to show off her hula moves.
“Mrs. Pelosi entered the House chamber like a Polynesian armada under full sail,” wrote one political wag. “Only the spear-carrying Hawaiian warriors were missing from the scene…”
On Safari. After Governor Gavin Newsome’s controversial orders close California’s 1,000 miles of Pacific coast beaches, helicopter-borne paparazzi discover that he is vacationing at coastal digs in Mazatlan, Mexico. From there he has been sending media networks daily video news-clips which show him hard at work on the pandemic – supposedly in his Sacramento office. Subsequently, Mexican troops and police stop an angry mob of 2,000 club-wielding California beach-bums and surfer-babes – intent on hunting down the guv – from crossing the border at Tijuana. “When we find him, we’re gonna tie him to a surf-board and float him out to sea!” shouts one surfer from his Woodie-wagon. Governor Newsome goes into hiding and remains incommunicado through year-end.
Follow the Money. Bernie Sanders and some 500 political supporters are arrested in Washington, DC, when they attempt to storm the Bureau of Printing and Engraving. Investigators learn that the gang planned to seize printing presses, ink and paper supplies to enable printing of at least $100 trillion, which they intend to distribute across the country. Former President Obama denounces the attempt, saying that “people already have too much money.”
Bye, bye, American Pie. The U. S. Senate passes a bill suspending the Congressional pay of senators and representatives who represent states that are not yet fully re-opened. When the House refuses to vote on the bill and adjourns, a wild pie-battle erupts in the chamber. Video clips later reveal that the first pie was thrown from the gallery by members of American Pie – a national association of bakers who have suffered significant financial damage from the shutdown. (Speaker Pelosi is seen salvaging several undamaged pies and hiding them in the Speaker’s dais.) Accusing President Trump of complicity in the incident, Representative Adam Schiff launches a new impeachment inquiry, which runs past the November elections. Those proceedings cause Democrats to lose 102 seats in the House.
Wassup,Bro’? After news emerges that Governor Ralph Northam has been issuing executive orders in a German accent, a mixed-race army of 100,000 armed Virginians – some dressed in vintage Confederate uniforms – storms the state capital, occupies the executive mansion, and captures the governor. State police stand down as a militia-squad bundles him into a prison-van and spirits him away. Photos are later released, showing Governor Northam in blackface, shining shoes and jiving at an unidentified shopping mall, while militia members stand guard to ensure his good behavior. According to reliable sources, the governor is moved to a different mall every few days. He is allowed to speak, but only in Ebonics. Democrat-party officials asked to comment on Northam’s situation say, “We never heard of the guy.”
“Never go against the family.” A governor, whose name is withheld by authorities, is found to be the don of a Mafia family involved in producing counterfeit Corona-vaccines. (Testing reveals that the “vaccines” consist only of glucose and water.) Investigators say the crime-family realized approximately $1 billion from sales of the false vaccines, plus another $5 billion in funeral charges for victims of the scam. (“So unfortunate – so tragic,” says a source close to the guv.) An attempt to arrest the governor for “crimes against humanity” fails when he escapes through a secret door in his study. The guv rasps, “What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully?” as aids cover his exit by pelting the federal officers with vials of the ersatz vaccine. Anonymous mafia sources later report that the don “sleeps with the fishes,” but authorities cannot verify that information.
Democrats’ Miracle. The late-summer surprise discovery of a new birth certificate for Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) shows her birth-year as 1984 – making her age 35, instead of 30 as previously reported. This means that the outspoken Congresswoman now meets the Constitutionally-mandated age-requirement for the presidency. Thus, when Lynda Carter is unexpectedly dropped from the Biden ticket in mid-September, Ms. Ocasio-Cortez is quickly named as the party’s vice-presidential candidate. Then, after Mr. Biden dramatically collapses and is hospitalized in mid-October – following his (unsuccessful) pursuit of an unnamed female staffer at his Delaware office – the Democratic National Committee replaces him on the ticket with AOC. The DNC also makes Chelsea Clinton their vice-presidential candidate – thus fielding the first all-female presidential ticket in American history.
In Like Flynn. After the Department of Justice drops all charges against former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn, the general sues former FBI Director James Comey, former CIA Director John Brenan, President Barack Obama, and Vice-president Joe Biden in federal court for damages he suffered from official misconduct, false arrest and wrongful prosecution. After a sensational trial lasting three months, the jury awards General Flynn $2 million in compensatory damages and $10 million in punitive damages. Before the trial’s conclusion, however, Mr. Comey and Mr. Obama suddenly disappear. Their attorneys can supply no information on their whereabouts, but international paparazzi eventually publish photos showing that both men are living in an Argentinian community of ex-Nazis.