As is our custom at the turn of the year we offer, in no particular order, a few predictions of events that could (and probably should) occur in the New Year. (The Writers’ Auxiliary generously furnishes fainting couches at several locations for politically sensitive readers.)
The Bear Necessities. On a tour of Arctic regions to document the dire effects of climate-warming on the polar bear population, Al Gore’s research party is attacked by a pack of enraged bears. As the bears drag several members of the group away to an unknown fate, armed colleagues hustle Mr. Gore to safety while he continues to shout, “We’re your friends!” at the rampaging bears. In a subsequent TV-interview, an experienced Inuit guide observes, “Bears plenty mad – freezing kiesters off in very cold weather – food scarce…”
A new star’s brief career. Former film director Harvey Weinstein – recently disgraced and fired over numerous sexual harassment allegations – launches a new film-career by forming a porn-flick company called Harv and Friends. “The Harv” (as he is known to his inner circle) intends to star in his edgy films. But his career is sidetracked when a gang of angry transvestites invade his studios and beat him senseless with their purses, while shouting about discrimination against transgendered people in his films. “What have those women got that we haven’t?” shouts one of them. “We demand equality!” After being hospitalized for months by the attack, The Harv announces his retirement from acting. Insiders say he suffered particular “injuries” which preclude any future on-camera performances.
Klan Connection. Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee (D-FL) leaves a United Airlines flight after being denied an upgrade to a first class seat. Rep. Jackson Lee is escorted from the plane by UA security staff after officials learn her full name. In an official statement, a United spokesperson declares that other passengers felt “threatened” by Ms. Jackson Lee’s politically insensitive, double-Confederate name. Reporters later find that the congresswoman is a direct descendant of Confederate General Nathan Bedford Forrest, who founded the Ku Klux Klan in 1869. The outspoken congresswoman has built her colorful, rather controversial career by charging anyone who opposes her, on any issue or action, with racist motives. After the airline-incident the House of Representatives Sergeant at Arms denies Rep. Jackson Lee entry to the House chamber when she arrives dressed in the uniform of a Confederate general. House Speaker Ryan announces that Rep. Jackson Lee’s “costume” violated congressional standards. Subsequently, the Florida chapter of the Klan makes Ms. Jackson Lee an honorary Grand Kleagle.
Can’t keep a good man down! Ex-Senator Al Franken – who resigned from the Senate after numerous charges of sexual misbehavior were brought by women who had worked with and for him – runs off to a Caribbean island with an exotic dancer from a strip-club in St. Paul, Minnesota. The dancer – known professionally as Crepe Suzette – is later revealed to be “sight-impaired.” Late-night comics joke that blindness is the only possible reason why any woman would want to be alone – anywhere, at any time – with Al Franken.
Hollywood Intermission. The entire Hollywood film industry shuts down for six months after hundreds of executives, actors, directors, film-techs, best boys, key grips, carpenters and stunt men – male, female, and other – are charged with sexual misbehavior by thousands of former employees. Numbers of the accused individuals try to emigrate, but are refused entry by Canada, Britain, France, Spain, Cuba, Iran, China, North Korea and Russia. Several new film companies are subsequently formed, including one headed by internationally famous evangelical minister Rick Warren. The Rev. Billy Graham, who reaches age 100 late in the year, declines to head one of the new companies. Sylvester Stallone heads another new studio named Rambo Films. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) sues former MGM executives for their decades-long mistreatment of the MGM lion, but the suit is dismissed because the lion has been dead for 50 years.
College Scandal. A consortium of college and university professors demand President Trump’s impeachment after reporters release a blockbuster report revealing that he matriculated at Fordham University in the 1960s. The profs are joined by a newly-formed group, Mothers Against Matriculation (MAM), who call for “…an end to such disgraceful behavior by our elected officials.” Senator Schumer (D-NY) denounces Mr. Trump’s “outrageous conduct” from the Senate floor, and reporters who wouldn’t know “matriculation” from “mummification” joyfully pile on with a shared conviction that this report will finally finish the hated Donald. (An informal poll reveals that 80% of college students define “matriculation” in terms too graphic to be repeated in a family newspaper.) Diligent reporters also learn that Mr. Trump attended Fordham while it was still called the Fordham University of Cultural Knowledge. (The university’s trustees changed the school’s name in 1985 after complaints arose over the original name’s unfortunate acronym.)
Class Action. Michael Flynn, Paul Manafort and 37 other members of the Trump election campaign bring a class-action suit for libel against the Democratic National Committee, the Hillary Clinton Campaign Committee, Fusion GPS, and ex-spy Christopher Steele over the infamous Trump Dossier. Investigators had shown that the dossier – jointly funded by the DNC, Fusion and the Clinton campaign – was completely fabricated by Mr. Steele. During the six-month trial, the defendants fail to demonstrate that any part of the dossier is true, and the original presiding judge is replaced because he can’t stop laughing. The jury awards compensatory and punitive damages of $255 million to the plaintiffs. The court freezes the defendants’ assets, effectively bankrupting the Democratic Party and forcing it to close its offices for the foreseeable future.
The 12th Imam. Ex-President Barack Hussein Obama reveals that he is actually Islam’s fabled “12th Imam.” Muslims believe he was born in AD 869 and has remained incognito, waiting to emerge as the messiah who will establish the worldwide caliphate, usher in world-peace, and make Islam the ruling faith across the globe. In a stirring (some said “transcendent”) speech to the United Nations General Assembly, His Serene Holiness calls for international concord (or else). During his speech, however, Imam Obama’s limo is ticketed for parking in a fire-lane outside the UN Building. NYC police have the car towed to an impoundment lot where vandals strip it of all saleable parts. After engaging in a shouting match over the towing at a local NYPD precinct, Mr. Obama is arrested for disorderly conduct and held overnight in a precinct cell. In retaliation, Iran’s “Arab Street” erupts in week-long violence, while Muslim rioters torch St. Patrick’s Cathedral and Gracie Mansion. NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio declares Mr. Obama persona non grata in the city and demands his departure before sundown.
Buddy, can you spare a dime? After President Trump orders a naval blockade on North Korea which blocks import of all but the most basic foodstuffs, Dictator Kim Jong Un disappears from public view for several months. Eventually he is found eating at a San Francisco soup kitchen in a barely recognizable state, having lost 90 pounds. Kitchen officials discover Mr. Jong Un’s identity when they ask him for proof of legal status. Those officials are later jailed for violating San Francisco’s “sanctuary” rules, which prohibit any inquiry about an individual’s residency-status. The former dictator declines repatriation to North Korea, saying the place is “a dump, where you can’t get a decent meal of braised asparagus tips and mashed yeast, and you can’t find a six-foot blonde anywhere.” Later he adopts the moniker “Jong” and gets a TV-gig as a spokesman for a major dieting chain.
All the best to my readers for 2018. Let’s outlast ‘em. (WZ)
Gourmet on the lam