Outrageous Predictions – 2023

Events during the past year have frequently seemed so absurd that no respectable comedian (is that an oxymoron?) would consider including them in his routine. Nevertheless, we shall continue our annual custom by predicting events which could and (in a just universe) should occur during the coming year. As a concession to our more sensitive readers, as is also our wont, we have provided safe spaces, therapeutic fanning, and fainting couches for “girly men” and others of like disposition.

Religious Revival. Following the GOP’s capture of a House of Representatives majority in the 2022 election, religious leaders report an unusual spiritual revival across the country. Millions of men and women are evidently offering daily thanksgiving prayers to God, Allah, Buddha, the Great Spirit, or The Great Whoever for the blessing of no longer having to see or hear Nancy Pelosi on television news, now that she is no longer Speaker. When news of the phenomenon reaches the Vatican, the Holy See’s spokesman relays the Pope’s comment: “The Lord certainly does work in mysterious ways.”

Changing of the Guard. Five Democrat members of the House of Representatives switch parties after the 118^th Congress convenes. Each represents an oil- and coal-producing state which has been hurt economically by the Biden administration’s curtailment of the production of those fuels. As the Sergeant at Arms escorts Ms. Pelosi from the House floor, the former Speaker shouts, “You dirty rats! You dirty rats!” Outside the House chamber reporters pepper her with questions, and she responds by retorting, “Thhhhpppppp!” Later, Ms. Pelosi shouts, “Come and get me copper!” while evading ushers in the House gallery. Her antics make a splash on the evening news, but CNN commentators say, “It’s just Nancy being Nancy.”

New Beginning. When former Wyoming Representative Liz Cheney announces the transfer of her political affiliation to the Democratic Party, she finds Democrats uninterested in having her join them. A highly placed Democrat (who asked not to be named) says Ms. Cheney looks like a potentially disruptive presence wherever she might be, politically. “We’ve got enough nut-jobs in the party as it is,” says that same official. Now rebuffed by both established parties, Ms. Cheney announces formation of a new party called the Real Republicans. However, GOP leaders immediately file suit in the Supreme Court to stop her move. After the court rules that Ms. Cheney may not use the copyrighted name Republican, political wags make much sport by suggesting names for her new party. The Ratfinkians, the Big Mouths, the Pooh-bahs, and the Meanie Weenies are among the many suggestions. Ultimately Ms. Cheney retires to her farm in Wyoming, where she raises pigs which she names after GOP leaders.

School Daze. A federal district judge rules that public school systems which allow transgendered boys to use girls’ restrooms and locker-rooms must extend that same convention to all buildings which house county or municipal executive staff of the school-system. This produces an uproar in those offices, leading to mass resignations of female staff. The U. S. Supreme Court does not reverse the District Court’s ruling, leaving those public school systems with no choice except cancelling the transgender-access rules and returning female facilities to biological females only.

OK Corral Redux. On orders from U. S. Attorney General Merrick Garland, FBI agents surround Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago home in an armed pre-dawn raid, with the clear intention of arresting the former president. But Mr. Trump’s Secret Service detail blocks the FBI’s attempt to enter the home. In the darkness someone fires a shot, triggering an exchange of gunfire between the FBI and Secret Service agents. After a few minutes of wild, poorly-aimed fire, in which one FBI agent is slightly wounded, the FBI breaks off the engagement and departs in vehicles that have been badly damaged in the gunfire exchange. News media crews, eagerly expecting to see Mr. Trump frog-marched out in handcuffs, instead capture a latter-day OK Corral shootout. “Yeehah! They’re runnin’, boys!” shouts one over-stimulated reporter, as the FBI contingent drives off. Mr. Garland’s subsequent claim, in a DoJ press conference, that a gang of “street toughs” had attacked Mr. Trump’s home is met with gales of laughter so uproarious that the AG is forced to leave the podium under a withering salvo of cherry bombs set off by the press corps. FBI and Secret Service spokesmen have no comment.

G-G-Grounded. After delivering a lecture on the dangers of using fossil fuels to a northern Alaska environmental club, climate activist Al Gore finds that fuel for his private plane is unavailable. Forced to stay overnight in an igloo-like building, Mr. Gore travels back to Juneau by dog sled, injuring his sacroiliac during the uncomfortable 400-mile journey. As word spreads of Mr. Gore’s unconventional voyage, Alaskan residents pelt his dogsled with snowballs while shouting, “We need gas!” and “Unlock the oil!” Mr. Gore is treated for frostbite at a hospital in Juneau before traveling back to the lower forty-eight. Alaskan officials claim that the snowball-hurlers were “just kids having fun.”

Impeachment Wars I. Under the leadership of Speaker Kevin McCarthy, the House of Representatives impeaches Joe Biden for failing to “preserve and protect” the country by allowing uncontrolled numbers of illegal immigrants to cross our southern border. In response, the FBI surrounds the speaker’s home in Chevy Chase, Maryland, with armed agents who demand Mr. McCarthy’s surrender, but do not attempt to enter his home. When servants indicate that the speaker and his family are not present, FBI agents retire without further action.

Impeachment Wars II. From a bunker in the White House basement, Joe Biden hurls \ threats at the House of Representatives, in general, and at Speaker Kevin McCarthy, in particular. “I’ll track him down to the ends of the earth!” snarls the Leader of the Free World. “Impeachment eh? We’ll see about that!” In the subsequent Senate trial, eight Democrat senators cross the aisle to join the 49 Republicans who vote for conviction. But those numbers fall short of the 67 votes needed to remove Mr. Biden from office. All work in the House ceases for a period of two months, while the Speaker remains in hiding from FBI agents.

Impeachment Wars III. After the House reconvenes, members also impeach Attorney General Merrick Garland on a charge of “malfeasance in office,” and the Senate votes to convict him by a vote of 90 to 9. When the former AG refuses to vacate his DC office, DoJ officials order workmen to board up the office with the AG still inside. After two weeks Mr. Garland finally surrenders and departs. But his office is declared toxic by health authorities, who order it to be burned out and rebuilt.

Side-effects. Former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo files for bankruptcy after a court awards $5 billion to a coalition of claimants representing relatives who died of COVID during the 2020 pandemic. Claimants sue the governor for causing their relatives’ deaths by forcing them into retirement homes filled with COVID-infected patients. In the court proceedings Mr. Cuomo claims that he was “just following orders” issued by President Trump, but the claimants’ attorneys show that claim to be false. To avoid paying the court-ordered award, Mr. Cuomo escapes to Zaire, Africa, where he contracts a terminal case of Bubonic Plague.

Election Orders. Following his survival of impeachment, Joe Biden issues a new Executive Order which prohibits any “outside witnesses” from observing the counting of ballots cast in elections at any level. The Supreme Court strikes down the order on grounds that elections are local and state matters which are not subject to federal control.

Trans-Medical. The American Medical Association closes its doors after a gigantic class-action suit, filed by lawyers representing several hundred men and women who received irreversible “sex-change” operations as children, wins a punitive damages award of $50 billion in federal court. Joe Biden vows that the verdict “will not stand,” but the Supreme Court declines to reconsider the case.

Trans-Clinton. In preparation for a third run for the presidency in 2024, Hillary Clinton undergoes surgery to transform herself into a transgendered man. To accentuate the transformation she wears a military uniform, smokes Cuban cigars, and speaks in a gruff, profane style. To demonstrate vigorous manliness, the new “Hildebrandt” joins a Ranger Challenge competition staged in the hills of Georgia. But after collapsing while attempting to carry a 100-pound pack uphill over rough terrain, “Hildy” is dragged back to the base camp on an Indian-style travois. Thereafter, Hildebrandt Clinton disappears from the political scene. A new book, Hildy, We Hardly Knew Ye, sells 5 copies.

+++++++++

Best of the New Year to all my readers. Enjoy the drama of these interesting days, and take every opportunity to laugh at our “leaders” as they stumble through their duties. Getting the horselaugh from the hoi polloi drives them crazy. Of course, they come by that reaction honestly:

“The Devil, that prowde Spirit, cannot endure to be mocked.” (John Donne, 1601)

“We need to get the devil out of here!” (Jimmy Cagney, 1940)