Seniors Project

Democrat officials are again pointing accusatory fingers at the legendary dirty-trickster Zolatar for engineering more political messes in the Biden administration. The latest sign of the shadowy operative’s influence has been the explosion of political concern over Joe Biden’s age-related missteps, confusion, and un-presidential public dithering.

Most Democrats have been publicly supportive of Joe Biden during his problematic presidency, but administration-insiders have carefully shielded him from unguarded exposure to the public – particularly, to the ever-present, unblinking eye of television and the wider broadcast-media. Big Media allies of liberal politicians have cooperated in shrouding Mr. Biden’s frailties, but suddenly – without warning of any kind – Mr. Biden’s protective veil has been rent and his failings have been publicized for all the world to see.

The suddenness of this development was triggered by critical comments from Special Counsel Robert Hur, who described Mr. Biden as a “well-meaning, elderly gentleman with a poor memory” who would never be convicted by a jury for the crimes he has committed. This open criticism of Mr. Biden’s age has provoked new suggestions that the shadowy provocateur, Zolatar, must be responsible. A (tearful) staffer described Zolatar’s strategy for forming a Seniors Project:

“It all sounded so visionary, so kind. He said we would be helping senior citizens by letting them see Mr. Biden as he really is. And he promised that it would definitely win the senior vote for us. How could we know that Mr. Biden’s, uh, dithering would be used against him in this way? After Mr. Hur’s remarks came out, Mr. Biden was snarling at us [his staff]: ‘You dirty rats! I’ll get you for this!’ He was yelling for the Secret Service to arrest us when he tripped over the microphone cord and fell on his, uh, patootie… We had to clean up the mess. He was hysterical. It was horrible…!”

(Reports suggesting that Counsel Robert Hur might actually be trickster Zolatar remain unconfirmed.)

The Washington Post reported that following Mr. Biden’s blowup over the Hur comments, some 200 advisors and other staff sneaked out of the White House in the dead of night to escape arrest for being part of a “seniors plot.” Investigators now believe that the architect of the Seniors Strategy, whose influence was described by the informant quoted earlier, was almost certainly Zolatar. The devious character has been pursued unsuccessfully for decades by officials of both political parties in the USA, as well as by governments across the world. (Historians say “Kilroy was here” – scribed on earthworks outside Petersburg, Virginia, in 1864 – was the earliest recorded evidence of Zolatar’s presence.)

Democrats refer to what looks like the dirty-trickster’s political interference in domestic venues wider than just the Seniors Project. One Democrat-official’s critiques of various party platforms and office-holders were captured on a microphone that he probably didn’t realize was live:

“Seniors Strategy? Good grief! Who’s dreaming up this doo-doo? No ordinary person could screw up this badly by accident. An insider must be hatching this nuttiness. It has to be Zolatar’s work.

“Climate-change is our ‘greatest existential threat?’ Are you kidding me? Normal guys worry about being out of work after they hit age 55, and they don’t want their age broadcast as a disability by a dithering president. Ordinary Joe (not Biden) wants safe neighborhoods and affordable medical insurance. He doesn’t want to give up his car, his comfy home and cheap, dependable electricity. He tolerates reasonable numbers of legal immigrants, but not mobs of border-crossers running in and demanding free stuff that he’ll end up paying for.

“Joe wants a safe, quality education for his kids. He doesn’t want his daughter assaulted in the school restroom by some guy wearing a skirt. If she’s playing a sport for her school, he doesn’t want to see her beaten out by a trans-gendered male. Joe has no problem with minorities, but he hates being pushed around by organized gangs of them. He thinks we’ve had more than enough racial agitation.

“Now abortion on demand is our party’s latest ‘Noble Cause?’ Wow! There’s a sure winner. It includes killing live babies at the moment of birth. Why do leaders of our party – once called the ‘party with a heart’ – think they can win votes by supporting this atrocity? It stinks to high heaven. These policies must have been dreamed up by drunken frat-boys or inmates in the nuthouse. Zolatar has to be involved…

“And Joe Biden is stumbling around the Oval Office, looking like he doesn’t know where he is. He’s a champion for seniors? Great. He can’t articulate a coherent sentence! Who’s managing this guy? Is his finger anywhere near the nuclear button? God help us, I hope not!”

(The open-mike pol, reached later for comment, claimed that his remarks were “taken out of context.”)

Referring to earlier reports, investigators now reveal that Zolatar’s previous activities include an infamous event in upstate New York, when Senator Barack Obama – then campaigning for the presidency – visited the 2008 gathering of the American Indian Nation. The dynamic young senator spoke at length on how he would improve life for his “Red sisters and brothers.” After his speech, chiefs of the AIN’s Council presented Mr. Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name: Walking Eagle. The senator accepted the plaque and departed in his motorcade, smiling and waving to the crowds.

A reporter later inquired about the new name the chiefs had given to the senator. They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird that is so full of shit that it can no longer fly. (Reporters were surprised to learn that New York Indians have a sensuyumah.)

Officials in the Obama-campaign furiously accused Republicans of orchestrating the Walking Eagle fiasco, but GOP officials denied any involvement. “If the moccasin fits, wear it,” said one unnamed Republican. Investigators later realized that the war-bonnet-topped chief wearing a Washington Redskins team-jersey at the ceremony was almost certainly Zolatar.

With the Seniors Project (or movement) creeping ahead at full-tilt, Zolatar-investigators are questioning House of Representatives members who have sponsored a bill that would require every business or government agency with more than 50 employees to have at least 20% of its workforce staffed by seniors, aged 60 or older. The bill would also provide funding for “ageing” surgery and document-modification to help younger people qualify as oldsters. (A wrinkle-inducing face-cream is also being marketed from a kiosk in the Rotunda of the Capital.)

Leaders and volunteers of the Seniors Project – possibly including Zolatar – are knocking on doors across the country, garnering signatures on a petition that demands replacement of younger Supreme Court Justices with old people. The authors hope to collect 1 million signatures before presenting the petition to Joe Biden, with a request for action before the GOP gains control of Congress and the presidency.

Meanwhile, Joe Biden’s campaign for a second term is proceeding, with plans on the drawing board for a third and even a fourth term – a change that he would authorize by executive order.

Somewhere, FDR must be smiling. Is this a great country, or what?

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(Reports that the author is the same age as Joe Biden have been greatly exaggerated.)