As has been our annual custom, we offer predictions of events which could (and probably should) occur in the coming year. As a concession to our more sensitive readers, we have arranged for provision of safe spaces, therapeutic fanning, and fainting couches for “girly men” and others of like disposition. (The latter inclusion does not indicate any particular gender-preference.)
Standoff. A wild shoot-out erupts on the streets of Mar-a-Lago, outside Donald Trump’s Florida home, when FBI agents attempt to take the former president into custody after a New York judge sentenced him to 15 years in federal prison for “inciting a rebellion against the United States of America.” But the arrest-attempt fails when armed Secret Service agents in Mr. Trump’s protective detail resist the FBI arrest-team with drawn weapons. During a tense verbal exchange a shot is fired by an unknown party. This causes armed agents on both sides to dive for cover and fire in the approximate direction of opposing agents. After a few minutes of ineffective gunfire, which causes no injuries, FBI agents wave a white flag, get into their cars, and depart the scene. There is no evidence that Mr. Trump participated in the gun-battle, although witnesses report someone who sounded like Mr. Trump calling out, “You dirty rats! Come and get me copper!” during the confrontation.
Aftermath Blame-game. Following what reporters are calling the “shootout at the Mar-a-Lago corral,” Senate Democrats conduct hearings in which they castigate the director of the Secret Service for opposing the FBI’s attempted arrest of Mr. Trump. In response, the director points out that the former president’s Secret Service detail is lawfully commissioned to protect the safety and well-being of their charge. Nowhere in that commission, declares the director, is any exception made for allowing an ex-president’s arrest for charges related to actions he has allegedly taken while in office.
Legal return-fire. As the Senate’s “inquisition” of the Secret Service director proceeds, Mr. Trump’s lawyers sue the FBI in civil court for $20 million in damages to Mr. Trump’s Mar-a-Lago property and vehicles. They also level a criminal charge against the FBI for an “attempted assassination” of the former president, whose safety is guaranteed by federal law. That law makes the discharge of a firearm near or at any federal official a serious crime which can be penalized by a long prison-term or even the death-penalty in certain circumstances. These legal actions remain pending through the November elections.
Supreme Judgment and Ballot Victory. At the close of its 2023-’24 term in June, the U. S. Supreme Court issues a 9-0 ruling which strikes down all state-level attempts to remove former president Donald Trump from primary- or general-election ballots. In its unanimous decision the Court declares that those states’ actions constitute “election-tampering,” which is expressly prohibited under federal law. Following the Supremes’ ruling, Mr. Trump’s name is restored to Republican ballots in all states’ primary elections. He subsequently wins GOP primary elections in every state which conducts them.
Fossil-fuel Gambit. In an attempt to raise his sinking poll numbers ahead of the November election, Joe Biden cancels his earlier executive orders which had severely curtailed exploration, drilling, shale-oil production, and petroleum refining. This sends the price of crude oil crashing down to $40 a barrel and the gasoline pump-price down to $2.00 a gallon. Nevertheless, Mr. Biden’s standing with voters remains unchanged, as polls indicate that voters don’t trust him. In final weeks of the campaign he has the lowest favorable rating of any president seeking a second term.
Car Wars. Joe Biden responds to election-concerns by withdrawing his financial and rhetorical support from his earlier commitment to ban gasoline-powered cars and replace them with electrical-powered vehicles. But the tangible result is more than 1 million high-priced EVs – representing over $60 billion in value – sitting unwanted on dealers’ lots. Major auto-makers’ stock-prices, world-wide, crash by over 50%. USA manufacturers Ford, General Motors and Chrysler close numerous factories and teeter on the edge of bankruptcy. In an attempt to reassure voters that all is well on the car-scene, Mr. Biden drives his vintage ’67 Corvette across the country. During the trip he narrowly avoids an accident and evades two car-jacking attempts. But his approval-numbers remain around 35%.
Admiral Trump. In last-ditch attempts to damage Donald Trump’s try for a second term, Democrats issue reports which claim that the former president actually holds the rank of Admiral in the Russian navy. Others continue to insist that he is actually a Nazi. Mainstream Media organs try to headline these stories, but voters remain unmoved. “It’s all rubbish, and we’re sick of hearing it,” says more than one voter in man-on-the-street interviews.
Climate Wars. Three counties in northern New York state, which have experienced the coldest temperatures and heaviest snows in their history, join forces to sue warming-opponent Al Gore, climate “czar” John Kerry, Joe Biden, and United Nations Climate Change officials for $1.2 billion, to recoup the cost of damages caused by the cold weather and heavy snows. The suit accuses the named parties of espousing and taking actions which have radically cooled the climate in those New York localities. A New York court allows the suit to go forward, but arguments are continuing at the time of the November elections.
Gender Wars I. Officials monitoring the border-crossings of illegal immigrants discover that numerous alien “mothers” bringing children across the borders are actually young men posing as transgendered women. “American political reports tell us that ‘trans’ people get more generous treatment,” said an English-speaking trans-man who added, “Of course, we want to fit into our new country, and this looks like the best way to do it.”
Gender Wars II. Following the transgendered-illegals disclosures, investigators find that 12 players of the Women’s NBA are actually biological males posing as women. League officials deny the claim until two members of a high-scoring team come forward to admit their trans-identity. When several other players make similar admissions, the league is thrown into turmoil, with four team-owners threatening to sue the league-commissioner for redress (so to speak). A recommendation to change the league’s name to Trans NBA is rejected by the league commissioner, but the issue remains on the table.
Name Wars. The new owners of the NFL’s Washington Commanders announce plans to change the team’s mascot-name back to the Redskins. A team-spokesman also declares that the league’s failure to approve the retro name-change will lead the ‘Skins owners to sue the league to order name-changes for the Kansas City Chiefs, New York Giants, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Dallas Cowboys, Las Vegas Raiders, Minnesota Vikings, New England Patriots, and New Orleans Saints. The spokesman explains that the mascot-names of those teams are all controversial, and should be changed to avoid offending various segments of American society. He points out that illegal aliens find the names Patriots and Cowboys particularly offensive. He also mentions that the “Saints” name offends Muslims, Buddhists, Gaia worshippers, snake-handlers and atheists. Ultimately the league’s owners agree to reinstate the Redskins name to avoid further conflict.
Election Wars I. After election officials in five states discover massive vote-cheating in the November elections, they order new elections to be held. By mutual agreement, all of the re-elections occur on December 10th. Vote-counting, closely supervised by representatives from both political parties, shows Donald Trump winning the electoral votes of each of those five states. He ultimately wins the nation-wide election by an electoral count of 500 to 38, making him the second president to serve in two disjoint terms.
Election Wars II. Following the announcement of Mr. Trump’s election, California officials declare their intention to secede and form a separate country; re-uniting with Mexico is also a possibility. But when a plebiscite-vote is held, nearly five million illegals join citizens of both parties in defeating the proposal. “We’ve escaped from Mexico,” said one anonymous voter, “and we don’t want to go back.” Angry mobs chase the governor and his cabinet onto a ship moored in San Francisco harbor. It sails to an island in the South Pacific where the former California politicians adopt native dress and custom. Reporters say they have no intention of returning to California or any other state in the USA.
Election Denouement. Following the presidential election, investigators learn that Joe Biden, who had reportedly campaigned from his Delaware home, was actually traveling on a lengthy “fact-finding” tour in South America. (A lookalike evidently stood in for Joe at campaign events during the year.) Members of his inner circle indicate that in late June Mr. Biden was captured by a tribe of Brazilian Amazons, and has been neither seen nor heard from since. Dr. Jill Biden has not been available for comment since the disclosures.
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Happy New Year to all my readers. Enjoy the drama of these interesting days, and take every opportunity to laugh at “leaders” who are obviously still affected by the Crazy Bug. Getting the horselaugh from the hoi polloi drives them even crazier. Of course, they come by that reaction honestly:
“The Devil, that prowde Spirit, cannot endure to be mocked.” (John Donne)
1 comment
Great post! Hilarious but it could be true which wouldn’t be so funny!