A Mouse in the College Classroom

You have to hand it to America’s colleges and universities.  When they find a way to make more money and expand their facilities, they are among the best entrepreneurs in the world of business.  So it was no surprise that the discovery of sentience in the Mousean population led to a competitive rat race to recruit these new students.

Colleges offered incentives galore.  Dorms were converted to make things more comfortable for Mouseans.  Scholarships in the form of peanut butter or limburger cheese were common and expected.  Female greaser mice were given preferred spots on cheerleading teams much to the delight  of the male greaser mice.  Mouseans responded in the millions and sociology departments at every institution of higher learning exploded in size.

Razzoli Butttworthy was a full sociology professor and esteemed lawyer at the age of twenty two.  His eleven page dissertation on the nothingness of nothing, while a bit light and confusing, was considered brilliant.  After a very competitive hiring process, Razz’ accepted full tenured employment at the prestigious College of the United Confederation of Kings and Queens (CUCKQ) in Washington, DC.  He immediately went to work developing an introductory American history course for use with the anticipated Mousean influx.

The syllabus for class design involved critical race theory translated into critical mouse theory.  Mixed in was diversity, equity and inclusion concepts to tie the human and the Mousean societies and cultures together.  For global purposes, Environmental, Social and Governance best practices from “woke” international organizations were included as a wrap-up.  Theory was to be bolstered by practice – usually in the form of a protest of the lack of a good sourdough bread with Humboldt Fog Grande cheese from San Francisco.

Razz’ first day in class was highly anticipate, and he started quite eloquently.  However, about 9 minutes into his lecture before a classroom of 9533 Mousean students at the Kennedy Center, Razz was stopped by — Charlamont, the fifty sixth cousin of Zoret the Great.   Char as he was called by his friends, squeaked out in a very loud voice “pooooooop”.  His utterance was quickly followed with a couple of thousand obviously negative sounding squeaks.  Some bolder mice ran to the front of the class and “greased” Razz’s shoes – a sign of complete and utter disrespect.  In less than 2 minutes, Razz, among the proudest of progressives, was driven from the class.

The Mouseans continued their protest by confronting CUCKQ’s administration and the College President himself/herself/”other”.  Eventually, and in rather rapid fashion, the entire human administrative staff of CUCKQ was replaced with a Mousean administration run by Charlamont.

The reality was that Razz and the college’s leadership had misunderstood the urgency with which the Mouseans treated any and all education.  Since the average life span of a Mousean was approximately 4 years, there was no time to dither around with human stupidity.  (Men, women and “others” might want to debate whether one plus one equals two but not the Mouseans.)

In the aftermath of the debacle, the CUCKQ Sociology Department withered and Professor “Razzy” Buttworthy was forced to take a position at the University of the Grave and Harbor (UGH) in San Francisco.  On a positive note,  the intellectual reputation of CUCKQ did eventually improve, and the college subsequently produced Nobel prize winners in the science and engineering fields. 

Charlamont considered a run for the U.S. Presidency but was dissuaded from doing so because his lifespan was, at best, three and a half years before senility set in.  (Of note, senility does not seem to be a constitutional disqualification for the highest office in the land.)